Off-line

Some people put great thought and deliberation into their AIM goodnight away messages, and for those of us who stay up until all hours of the night and procrastinate by obsessively rechecking them, the thought is appreciated. But others, as I’ve learned, opt for corny, cheesy, or altogether uncreative messages to bid the online world adieu. This kind of thing, when read during a break from paper writing at 4 a.m., can be the death of you. Really, I’d take the loathsome, tells-you-nothing “I am away from my computer right now” rather than one of these beauties any day.

1. IT’S NOT SIZE THAT MATTERS, IT’S THE SHAPE

So tired I could fall asleep on this very keyahsdfkfddddddd

Come on, now. Everyone knows that even when you fall asleep on your laptop (been there, done that), the pressure of your big, round head makes a jumble of letters, not one single repeated letter. Unless, of course, you are a Conehead, in which case, dddddddd away.

2. THE ‘S’ IN LSD STANDS FOR SLEEP

I am currently analyzing the patterns of light as they permeate the membranes of my eyelids to learn the meaning of life.

First reaction: Say what? Second reaction: No, really, say what? Not only does this away message strike me as excessively uncreative, but if my mother got on AIM, she’d probably spend the night worrying that her smart, wonderful daughter (her words, not mine) just dropped acid for the first time.

3. WHAT A TEASE

I'm holding my ear up to my pillow, and closing my eyes to see if I can hear the ocean. I will probably be doing this until morning, so leave a message.

As Syracusans in the end of November, we naturally gravitate to the word ocean. Picturesque images of warm sand, crashing waves, and tanned bodies immediately swirl about in our heads. Oh, wait. False alarm, folks. It’s just a crazy college student pressing a pile of feathers up to a random body part. Better luck next time.

4. DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB

Sweet dreams are made of sleep. Who am I to disagree?

If you want to use lyrics to signify sleep, stick with the actual lyrics, rather than trying to create some clever half-lyric, half-innovative hybrid. Oh, that and pick something better to reference than a bad 80s single that’s rumored to be about mad cow disease.